exploration

Achievement was my drug

I’m preparing a workshop on burnouts and I’m looking for a motivational speech to have playing on the background when everyone comes in. I’m looking for a speech that emphasizes all the wrong things. “Don’t stop when you’re tired, stop when you’re done”, “Most of you don’t want success as much as you want to sleep”, “What is ticking off here is your life, each second is one you will neer get back again”.

When I reach the videos I would use as my alarm in the mornings back in the days, or those I used to watch before training to get myself in that ruthless mindset, I can feel something building up. “It ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” “You are in a fight with an opponent you can’t see, but you can feel him breathing down your neck. That’s you, your fears, your doubts, your insecurities, all lining up like a firing squad, ready to shoot you out of the sky”. I know it’s not healthy, but it feels só good. To grind down on something, sink in my teeth and just go. Achievement was my drug, thats how it feels. And now that my drug of choice is right in front of me I can feel the temptation.

Feeling good about myself is more difficult now that I have to do it in moderation. I am no longer the best, the strongest, the most flexible, the skinniest, the fastest, the smartest, the person achieving the most. Now, I’m just Nicky. Still okay I guess, but no longer “special”. Or I have to find this “specialness” somewhere inside. Which isn’t easy. Most of the time I am doing pretty good, I no longer get angry at myself for skipping the gym or putting off work to tomorrow. I actually sometimes even tell myself off when I work too long or too hard! But moments like these are a painful reminder of how deep this addiction was rooted.

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